The unattainable

I was sitting here and watching Will and Grace this early morning. It was the one where McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) acts in and he sure is dreamy. For some reason, it made me think about how we (gays) always strive to get the unattainable when it comes to partners. We want someone more interesting, definately better looking and definately (emphasis on definately) someone with an awesome body that we are not willing to work hard to get on ourselves.

Oh my gosh, its the first time I am telling you that I am gay. Oh wow, I just came out of the closet at least to the virtual world, something I haven't been able to do with most people except with two of my straight friends - both females.

Anyway, I am gay and of South Asian descent and in the world that we live in, caucasian and youth is like prime texan steak. Every gay man wants prime texan steak. I am, of course, using 'every gay man' in a loose sense but it is very true that a lot of gay men do want to be holding a young a white man every night, preferrably someone different every night.

So I live here in the US and it just seems impossible to date. For one, i am neither white nor in my early 20's. Then I thought, why am i living here. I am living here to finish my studies but mostly likely I will stay back in the US and work. I also realize that my chances of meeting someone is probably higher in my home country. So why would anyone foresake a chance of happiness for the sake of career? I asked this to many gay south asians in the US(who themselves realize that they probably won't meet any guy here in the US) and no one seems to know the answer. So I ask everyone out there, what would you do? Would you stay back in the US for a career or go back home?

Not sure why?

I always wanted blog. Some people have political blogs, others talk about their everyday lives. I am not sure why i wanted to blog. Perhaps its to lay down my thoughts, my frustrations, share my life. A friend (who I have never met but chat regularly) started a blog today, so I thought it would be neat to start one too.

So let me tell you a little about me.

I am in my 30's, currently studying at a university in the US. Some people consider it old to be studying, but i think its the best to study now. I feel more mature about it. At the same time, i am also getting frustrated and want the process to end. I can share a lot more about me, where I come from, about my family, about other deep dark secrets in my life, my aspiration, my sexuality, but i will leave it for another day.

I gave myself the nom de plume of Leonard Dalloway because Leonary and Ms. Dalloway were two characters in one of my favorite movies....The hours. I especially like the ending. Being artistically and linguistically challenged, I dont really fully understand what it says but I like it nonetheless. So i am going to share the ending part and maybe someone out there in the virtual world can email me and let me know what it means (leonard.dalloway@gmail.com)

This is the part where Leonard had killed himself earlier in the day and these are Ms. Dalloways thoughts:

Dear Leonard...
to look life in the face,
always... to look life in the face...
and to know it... for what it is...
at last to know it...
to love it... for what it is...
and then...
to put it away.
Leonard...
always the years between us
always the years...
always the love...
always the hours...

BTW, don't expect good spelling and grammer with me, I type my thoughts as they come along.